The Ugly Truth: Why Some Expats Hate Each Other and What They're Hiding

Introduction to Expats Treating Each Other Badly

0:01 Hey YouTube, Alex here. In today's video, I want to answer the question: why do expats treat each other badly? Now, this is by no means universal, but I've noticed this recurring theme in a number of countries that I've lived in, where foreigners will feel entitled to treat each other badly for numerous reasons. They know they can't get away with treating local people badly, but they feel comfortable when it's one of their fellow Western people to be inconsiderate, to be rude.

0:27 I'm going to talk a bit about some of my experiences here and give some background as to what you may need to prepare for depending on where you go, depending on the local community. I think it's better in some places than others. You may run into one or more of these issues.

0:42 Point number one is that many of us do have issues. We didn't come over here coming from the perfect background. Most of us have some issues; we've got emotional baggage, we may have personality disorders, we may have mental well-being issues. And there's a lot of this going on in the modern world for various reasons, but now the difference being in the modern world is that we have names that we can attach to some of these issues. But a lot of us do come with issues; we come from toxic family situations, and we have these bad habits that we've learned that we haven't been able to overcome. Some of us just have the habit of treating other people badly in general, and it's not personal. It's not based on somebody's ethnicity or socioeconomic status or language or culture, but rather some of us just treat everybody badly. We are equal opportunity haters, as I like to put it.

1:33 I'll never forget the incident that I experienced in a gym in Chang'ai, where one guy starts yelling at another guy about the piece of equipment that he wanted to use. And I thought, man, this guy doesn't know how to behave in public. That's not something that warrants getting upset and getting into this shouting match. And I got the sense that the guy that he was shouting at could not speak English, so he's ranting and raving, and the guy just looks confused. I'm sure this isn't the first time that kind of situation has happened. I'm sure this isn't the first time that guy has lost his cool for whatever reason. He had some issue back at his home country, and he's brought that baggage with him.

Expats' Personal Issues and Fear of Local Consequences

2:10 So, some expats are going to treat each other badly because they've got some issue going on upstairs. They're not able to resolve that before they come over. And this leads into my next point: most of these guys seem to know that they can't talk that way or treat a local person that way. For whatever reason, they have it in their head that it's acceptable to treat a foreigner that way. Now, I think a lot of them recognize, hey, if I treat a local person that way, there could be really real long-term implications. For example, here in the Philippines, if you disrespect or mistreat an immigration officer in any way, they could revoke your application for extension. They could just tell you, look, we're not going to approve it.

2:50 And for good reason, some of these expats that are bad actors, they know inherently that if they mistreat somebody here, that's a local person, that that person's brother or sister-in-law or cousin may work at immigration. Right? They may say, hey, this guy was really disrespectful in the restaurant, or this guy had too many beverages and became belligerent. So, there's this sense of, okay, well, I have to be respectful or considerate to the local people. But now, this foreigner, he's in a much more vulnerable position. It's unlikely he's got any relatives here. It's unlikely that he knows somebody on a personal level that works in immigration and has any say over whether or not I can get my extension. They look at other foreigners as open season.

3:38 Some of the things that I've heard, oh, why do you buy cheap clothes? Would they say that to a Filipino person? I don't think they would say that to a Filipino person. I think they understand the potential implications of that. Some expats have this strong ingroup, outgroup kind of bias, and the ingroup consists of them and their Filipino partner, and the outgroup consists of all of the foreigners that I don't know. Don't kiss their behind.

4:01 I'm not exactly sure how I'd put it. You are going to run into foreigners that they're toxic. They inherently know there's consequences to mistreating a local person, but that you're open season. That you may be experiencing financial hardship, you may not be able to afford to go back to your home country, you may be dealing with your own mental health challenges or struggles, and they feel like you're open season because, oh well, he doesn't know anybody. He may not be able to afford a lawyer to come after me, so I can say all these nasty things to him and get away with it in a way that if I were to try to say those same things to a local person, then there may be some serious consequences.

Seeking Conflict with Fellow Expats

4:39 Number three is that they think a fellow Western person will engage. They have the sense that, well, Filipino people are generally conflict-avoidant. That they generally don't want to make trouble, they don't want to give a hard time, they just want to go with the flow and relax. If a person who's obviously not a Filipino starts overreacting, getting angry, frustrated, they're going to try to deescalate. They're going to try to handle the situation in a calm manner. But for some of these toxic people, that ain't good enough. They ain't going to cut it. They want somebody to engage in the argument. They want somebody to take it to the next level.

5:11 With a Filipino person, they're not going to give him what he wants. They're not going to be at his throat. They're not going to take it up a notch. They're not going to overreact. They're not going to flip out. Not to say they are pushovers, I'm not saying that at all. That's a totally different topic. But for the purposes of this video, they know a Filipino person is not going to get in a screaming and a shouting match with them. It's very unlikely for that to happen. I haven't seen it personally, not saying it doesn't happen, but I think it's very unlikely.

5:38 But they see a Western person and they know, oh, he's from the West where people scream and shout at each other all the time, where there are road rage problems, where people love to argue, people love to have conflict. In the West, it's like a pastime. I've had Western people describe it as, we're all, we're just talking, we're just having a fun conversation. When they're not really looking for a fun conversation, they're looking to battle it out. They're looking to compete for dominance.

6:03 A lot of these people have social problems. They're unable to communicate effectively in such a way that moves things forward. Maybe they don't have the money or skills to engage in higher quality forms of entertainment, like going to the movies, playing golf, going swimming. And that's how they entertain themselves is they go and they pick arguments with other people. Maybe they did that a lot in their previous job, maybe in their previous job, they were in a role where they had to be sort of combative with other people.

6:29 They know the Filipino is not going to indulge them, and so they see a foreigner and their eyes light up. Oh, wow, I bet he's going to have an argument with me. I bet he's going to entertain these delusions. You see it here with people getting way amped up about politics. It's like, if I wanted to argue with other Americans, I wouldn't come halfway around the world to do that. I'd go back to America if I wanted to argue with other Americans. People would do it for free over there. They don't even care how much time it's costing them here. I'm enjoying my time. I want to use my time to enjoy life and to not argue with other Americans or Western people in general. But often, it's the Americans that are particularly argumentative in my experience.

Users and Takers in Expat Communities

7:08 Some expats are users back home, and they use up the goodwill of whatever location they're in, and then they move on to the next location. So maybe they live in New York, they use a bunch of people, they take advantage of a bunch of people. Then once they burn their bridges, they become known as the user. Oh, now they're moving off to LA, or they're moving down to Miami. That same principle applies here to the expat world. I've noticed that in some expat hotspots where a guy will come to town, he'll use up the goodwill of other people. He may ask people to cover his lunch, he'll get him next time. Maybe he borrows some money from this guy or that guy. All of a sudden, he's got a business for sale that he never intends to deliver. And then by the time the ruse is up, the scam is up, he's left for another area. Nobody knows where he is. Nobody knows where he went. Maybe he was using a fake name.

7:52 You do see these guys that are users that in his case, he couldn't really get over on a Filipino person, but he can get over on other expats. Filipino people have their own struggles, but a lot of expats here, they're retired, they've got their social security, they've got some safety nets. Maybe they have some investments, and maybe they have a little bit too much time in their hands. And some of them want to be generous and helpful and nice and kind. And some of these toxic people, they can pick up on that. They can pick up on that generosity, that kindness, that like they say, no good deed goes unpunished. And some of these guys, they just have a radar for that. They figure out who they can use to build themselves up, who they can step on to rise up. And once they get what they want, they're moving on to the next person. They totally forget about the person that helped them to get to the next level, and they're looking for their next victim.

8:39 So be mindful of users. Just because somebody appears to be super friendly, super nice, appearing to want to be nice, friendly, kind, doesn't mean they have your interests in mind. Expats can be just as good or bad as the general population. I think some communities are better than others, or more, you could say, pro-social than others. But just because...

9:00 Just because somebody comes in and they're super nice, they may be love bombing you. They may be trying to sway public opinion in a positive way. Be mindful, everybody's an individual. Some people have ulterior motives; some people are coming to take these expat hotspots. They do attract a lot of takers, but they also attract some givers. They can't attract people who are looking to take as opposed to people who are looking to contribute and to give.

Avoiding Toxic Expats and Attention Seekers

9:25 We often hear the phrase 'loser back home,' but we don't as often hear the phrase 'user back home.' I much more often hear about expats getting into conflict with other expats than I do expats getting into conflict with Filipinos. You definitely hear about this online. They perceive that the only consequence to arguing with another expat is a verbal confrontation, and not potentially life-altering consequences like could be the case if their visa extension is denied.

9:55 If you find an expat as toxic, don't indulge them. Let them argue with somebody else. I'm sure somebody will take them up on that. Some people are just conflict-driven people. They don't pick up on social cues very well. They don't have the intellectual capacity to have a meaningful, interesting conversation in a civilized manner, but they still want the attention. They still want the sense of, 'Oh, somebody's paying attention to me. I'm not being ignored.'

10:22 Watch out for these guys that are desperate for attention. They know that back in their home country, there are nobody they can't get the attention they're looking for. But over here, their increased purchasing power entails that they can get more attention. But for some people that are toxic, no amount of attention is sufficient. They have a never-ending well that cannot be filled up.

10:41 When they can't get that conflict attention, that negative attention from a local person because the local person doesn't really get it, doesn't really participate in those dynamics, then they're going to try to find another expat. They may pull a contrarian attitude where they're not really looking to understand what you're saying. They're going to try to pick it apart. You're better off avoiding these people.

Setting Boundaries and Finding Your Tribe

11:00 Be mindful that they're out there and do your best to disengage. Don't get close to people too quickly. Be cautious, be mindful. There are a lot of toxic people in expat communities. You'll never hear me come on here and say all expats are our friends, we should hang out with everybody. I believe you should be polite or respectful to everybody, but beyond general pleasantries, you don't know these people.

11:27 You don't know a fellow American. No, some American expats are morons. I'm not of the opinion that just because somebody's an American, I'm going to be friends with them. No, some Americans are toxic people, like you could have toxic people anywhere in the world. But I think that it's the majority? No, I don't think it's the majority, but it's not a zero equivalent number that are toxic.

11:51 You need to be willing to set boundaries with these people and find your tribe by also finding who's not in your tribe, who's not in your group. Yeah, I mean, one group I think is nice is Positive Expats in the Philippines on Facebook. I don't organize or schedule meetups from that group, but I like the rules of that group where they don't allow this complaining.

12:13 I live in the Philippines because I generally like it here. I like the Filipino people and I get along with them. But the toxic expats tend to be loud. They tend to be more brash. They tend to be addicted to their egos and they tend to put themselves out there more. So if you have somebody that's coming up to you, you be cautious and mindful of guys who are too friendly, who are trying to draw you in, who act like they've known you a long time when you just met them a few minutes ago.

12:41 Be careful. Some of these toxic guys are good and getting better at pushing their toxicity. If you were raised in a narcissistic home like I was, you may have been trained to be a people pleaser and to not spot these issues in other people. But keep an eye out for them.

Approaching Expats with Doubt and Self-Protection

12:55 Like I said, most of the guys, probably 80% of the guys I meet, I get along with well. There is a non-zero number of guys out there that I don't want to associate with. I don't want to hang out with. I don't want to be around. And it will be helpful for you to approach expats with some sense of doubt.

13:12 Is what they're telling me really true? Are they too guarded? Do they dance around fairly generic questions? Are they unwilling to express vulnerability? Maybe they're harmless, right? But maybe they're not. Maybe they're hiding something that you need to be mindful of, that you need to be aware of to protect yourself, to look out for your own well-being, to look out for the well-being of your partner, maybe their children or the children you have together.

13:37 There are a lot of sick people in this world, and some of them come with a smile. Keep in mind that your right to be here is not contingent upon the opinion of some American expat, but rather the goodwill of the Filipino people.

Cultural Context and Familiarity Breeds Contempt

13:50 The next point is cultural context. I think that when expats are interacting with Filipinos, they have some of that Filipino hospitality or kindness rub off on them, and they behave right. They learn how to behave in a non-confrontational way, and they're more kind and they're more considerate. But when they're dealing with other foreigners, they default to what they're used to: this rude American attitude, this condescension, this disrespect, this lack of civility and decency or that we see in other Western democracies.

14:26 They don't act with class like a lot of the Filipinos do. The next point is that familiarity breeds contempt. So a lot of foreigners find the Philippines mysterious. They find the Filipino people to be kind of mysterious. Many may have never interacted with Filipinos in the West. They only know Filipino people through the context of service, whether it be in a hotel, tourism, or a restaurant.

14:53 And so the only interactions they have with Filipinos are ones in which the Filipino person is providing a service to them in exchange for money. They don't think about the fact that Filipinos are people like anyone else and have their own struggles, their own challenges. Nobody's life is perfect. They have more familiarity with the Western person. They probably worked with plenty of Western people in the US or Australia.

15:16 They believe they know how the Western person thinks or operates. They know what they don't like about Western people. I think some of it is also competition, like they know the Western person can compete with them for attention, compete with them for resources. I think some of that is some guys want to be the only foreigner in town, which is ridiculous in a city like Dumaguete where there are 5,000 foreigners in town and more showing up every day.

15:40 You're not going to stick out as a foreigner here. You're not going to get some special treatment as a foreigner here. Foreigners are a dime a dozen here. They're not that special. Especially expats are not that special here. Local people are often experienced enough with expats that they know somewhat what they're getting when it comes to an exp living here. There's nothing you're going to tell a local person that's going to be a total shock to them.

16:06 Many have some level of familiarity, especially those that have worked a lot with foreigners in a business. You're not going to get a double take when you meet a Filipino person here. They're not going to think, 'Oh wow, a foreigner, Dumaguete, I never would have guessed.' So I think some foreigners get a little frustrated or a little jaded when they come here expecting a certain level of treatment and it just doesn't materialize. But they can't take it out on the Filipino people.

Diverse Backgrounds and Regional Differences

16:31 But they do feel like they could take it out on other foreigners, like they almost operate like, 'If you guys weren't here, I would be treated like royalty.' But because you other foreigners are here, then I don't stick out as much. That's at least what I think is the line of thinking.

16:44 Let me know what you think down in the comments below if you agree with that sentiment or you disagree with that sentiment. The next point is diverse backgrounds. A lot of people think, 'Oh, all Americans are the same,' and that's not the case. The United States is a country with several different mega-regions, and each of those regions has unique local culture, atmosphere, attitudes, different from the rest.

17:06 I find that I relate best to other people who have lived in California. I'm not from California, but I worked there for a while, and so I just have those shared experiences. We've been to the same places, we've eaten the same food, we've experienced some of the same nature, and we can relate on some level culturally.

17:22 Where you've got some guys who are from the South, who they meet a guy from New York, and they think the guy might as well be an alien. And they have some presumptions: 'Oh, people like New Yorkers like this,' or 'people from Texas are like that.' And they have these preconceived notions and very different life experiences. And so that's where they could treat each other badly.

17:44 Is they take one look at the guy from New York and they think, 'Oh, he thinks he's so high and mighty.' They don't even give the guy a chance. They don't even let the guy speak and talk about his life experiences before they make a presumption.

17:57 Now, in other cases, they're open-minded. They'll open their minds, they'll open their ears, they'll listen to what the guy has to say. They give him a chance. They realize, 'Wow, I have more in common with him than I thought.' But some expats make presumptions based on regional differences back in the United States as to whether or not they'll get along with somebody over here. It's an effort to save cognitive function.

Judgment Based on Dating and Budget

18:16 We're not, I often say, we're not trying our best, which is a whole another discussion. But yeah, you have some.

18:22 Discussion, but yeah, you have some regional differences, and that doesn't even get into people from other countries, people from other parts of the world entirely. I have friends here from all over the world, and I get along great with them. But I think I'm rare in that I'm open-minded to people from other countries or other cultures. And even then, I'm guilty of preferring people at times from other countries in the United States. Some of my closest friends are from other parts of the world besides the United States, and I feel that I could relate to them better than I can to my fellow Americans that live here.

18:55 The next point is judgment. I find a lot of guys judge each other based on their reasoning for being here. I came here because I hired a virtual assistant here, but a lot of guys come here for dating. And I find that their dating process gets judged a lot. The expat will treat another expat badly based on their feelings about how that expat met their significant other. 'Oh, you met your girlfriend online? Ooh, you met your girlfriend the second you got off the airplane?' It feels good to judge at first, and then you feel lonely and isolated because you keep separating yourself from other people based on these arbitrary distinctions. I'm not saying don't make good decisions; I'm saying it isolates and hurts you when you are passing judgment on other people who have their own reasons for coming here. And like I said, dating is a big one.

19:46 Budget is another big one. Some guys operate on the premise that anybody with less money than them is broke as a joke, and anyone with more money than them thinks they are a hot shot. It's the age-old, 'Anybody that drives slower than me is an idiot, and anybody that drives faster than me is a maniac.' In summary, I find that dating and also budget are the two big ways in which guys judge each other and size each other up and establish the value that they associate or attach to another expat.

Sense of Ownership and Territoriality

20:19 The next point is a sense of ownership. Some expats feel that they own the Philippines somehow, that it's their right to be here more than the right of other people or newcomers. I sense resentment between expats for many different reasons. I can't get into all of them in this video; it would just be too long. I could go on for days about that subject, but a sense of ownership is a big one, where they think, 'Well, I got here 10 years ago.' I see this with my vlogger friends, where people tell them, 'Oh, you guys have been here for three years? I've been here for 15.' Okay, well, don't you want updated information? Most people want up-to-date information. They don't look for, 'What did it cost? What was rent 20 years ago? What was the price of a home 70 years ago?' That information is irrelevant beyond just learning about history. People want to know about information that's relevant today. What is my experience going to be like today? Not next year, not 10 years from now, not five years ago. What is it like today?

21:20 But if they feel that they own it, they also don't want people getting information and coming here. I hear sometimes from people, 'These bloggers have ruined Dumaguete.' Nonsense. Dumaguete has been popular for a very long time. The original media that popularized Dumaguete was the Forbes article directed at retirees. It wasn't vloggers. If anything, blame Forbes. That's a whole different discussion. I think there's plenty of room here in Dumaguete for foreigners and for expats, for retirees. I don't believe I own this. People say, 'Oh, you're talking about Dumaguete? You've only been here a short time.' I could talk about what I see. I have senses, I have eyes, I have a nose, I have ears. I could document my experience. I don't have to live here for 10 years before I can comment on it.

22:05 But some of these people are very possessive. They act like only their experience is legitimate, which couldn't be further from the truth. Everybody has different experiences here, different takes on life here, and different feelings about the pluses and minuses of being here. In summary, some of these guys act like territorial dogs. Ridiculous. All of us are guests here in the Philippines. Unless you're a Filipino person, then you are a guest in this country. You're here based on the goodwill of the people. You can't even own land, so I don't know where they get it in their heads that they have some kind of dominion here, but that's a whole other can of worms.

Online vs. Offline Persona and Conclusion

22:40 This last one, I'm probably guilty of, and that's the online and offline divide. I know some people probably think I come across a bit negative in my videos, and in person, I'm a lot more pleasant. So I have a lot of friends here in Dumaguete. I get along with people. I just have to cover heavy topics at the moment, but I'm generally pretty upbeat. Here is every a perfect? No, it's not. I think some people do get frustrated that I'm trying to find the truth.

23:02 Let me know what you think down in the comments. Do any of these ring true for you? Have you found any of these to not be the case? Maybe I'm talking about Dumaguete-specific things that don't apply in your area or your country. Additionally, give us a thumbs up; it helps with the YouTube algorithm. And finally, if you enjoy this content and want to see more content like it, please subscribe to the channel down below, and we'll see you soon. Bye-bye.