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Learning to be happy alone is crucial for expats to navigate the transient nature of expat friendships, changing life priorities, and potential relationship endings, ultimately leading to greater self-awareness and avoiding common pitfalls.
The video explores the importance of expats learning to be happy alone, highlighting that expat friendships are inherently transient due to people moving in and out of locations. Relying on others for happiness can lead to rushing into new relationships or staying in places that aren't a good fit, simply to avoid being alone. This transient nature means that core friend groups will inevitably change, making self-sufficiency in happiness a vital skill for expats.
The discussion extends to how changing life priorities, such as through breakups or new relationships, can necessitate relocation. If an expat isn't happy alone, they may feel trapped in a city or situation that no longer serves them, leading to dissatisfaction and negativity. The ability to be happy independently allows for flexibility in choosing locations that better align with one's current needs and values, rather than being dictated by social circles or romantic partners.
Furthermore, the video emphasizes that many common mistakes expats make abroad stem from their own unhappiness and reliance on others. This can lead to poor associations, unhealthy behaviors, and a general lack of self-awareness. By learning to be content with oneself, expats can avoid these pitfalls, focus on subtracting negative influences, and seek out admirable companions who genuinely enhance their lives, ultimately fostering a more stable and fulfilling experience abroad.
Learning to be happy alone is crucial for expats because expat friendships are often transient. Relying on others for happiness can lead to rushing into new relationships out of loneliness or staying in places that aren't a good fit. This self-sufficiency allows for greater flexibility and avoids dependence on social circles or partners.
Changing life priorities, such as through relationship breakups or new connections, can necessitate relocation. If an expat isn't happy alone, they may feel trapped in a situation that no longer serves them. Being independently happy allows expats to choose locations that better align with their current needs and values.
Yes, many common mistakes expats make abroad stem from their own unhappiness and reliance on others. This can lead to poor associations, unhealthy behaviors, and a general lack of self-awareness. By learning to be content with oneself, expats can avoid these pitfalls.
Focus on subtracting negative influences, toxic people, and unhealthy habits rather than just adding new things. Surround yourself with admirable, successful people whose company enhances your own well-being. Cultivating contentment with yourself is the foundation for genuine happiness abroad.
Yes, expat friendships are often transient because people are constantly moving in and out of locations. This means that core friend groups will inevitably change over time. Learning to be happy alone is vital so you don't feel pressured to maintain friendships out of loneliness or rush into new ones.
Expats need to learn to be happy alone because expat friendships are transient. Relying on others for happiness can lead to rushing into relationships or staying in unsuitable locations. Being content with oneself allows for flexibility in choosing locations that align with current needs and values.
Unhappiness with oneself can cause expats to make poor decisions abroad. This includes associating with the wrong people or remaining in undesirable situations. Learning to be content independently helps expats avoid these pitfalls and focus on positive influences.
For older expats, being alone can raise safety concerns, such as having no one to check on them regularly. There's also the worry about how long it might take for someone to find them if a medical emergency occurs.
Being happy alone makes relationship breakups less devastating for expats. If an expat is not happy independently, they might feel trapped in a city or situation that no longer serves them after a breakup, leading to dissatisfaction.
Being comfortable with one's own company is linked to maturity and self-actualization. It reflects a strong sense of self and the ability to navigate life changes without depending on others for well-being.
0:02 Hey YouTube, Alex here, and I'm here in Dumaguete. I've been thinking about why you should learn to be happy alone as an expat. The first benefit of learning to be happy alone as an expat is that expat friends come and go. I've noticed this in Dumaguete, but I think it's also true anywhere you go in the world. People become friends, and then they stay friends for a while. Then some drama comes up, people disagree politically, maybe people have a business deal that goes wrong, maybe somebody says something offensive to the other person, or they're just having a bad day. Different reasons friendships end. Back home in the US, sometimes people just drift apart. But I think if you're not happy alone, or not able to be happy alone, then you end up rushing into other relationships and trying to find happiness outside of yourself.
1:01 I found a lot of cities popular among expats are transient places. People move in every year, people move away every year. Some people unfortunately pass on, some people change their minds. And really, this goes for anywhere in the world. But I think it's relevant to the topic of today's video, because I just try to unpack why some people succeed in becoming happier abroad, and other people maybe not so successful. So let's go ahead and get into it. I'll be talking about this subject in the context of friendships and later relationships.
1:41 So you'll probably build a core group of expat friends wherever you go, but not everybody will stay in that core group. Like I said, some people move on for different reasons. That core group may change. I've seen it happen in different groups where people form their own groups. So people move to another city. If you're moving to a city halfway across the country, your ability to interact with those people is going to be impacted. I've recently heard of some people moving to another city because a popular vlogger moved there, and I'm hoping that it works out for them. Because if it doesn't, if something changes about that situation...
2:25 Why do I bring this topic up? I bring it up because it's relevant to me. This is something I've struggled with. I've thought about moving on from Dumaguete, and I'm trying to make sure that my social circle here isn't the only factor that I stick around for. Because I've noticed some people just don't like living in a certain place and they pretend otherwise, and then they take it out on the people around them. I did this back in the States. I didn't like my hometown, and I wasn't happy in my hometown. I was much happier living elsewhere.
2:58 We, as foreigners living abroad, have a lot of choices to make, and they're not always so straightforward. Point number two is that you may want to move around. I think a lot of guys and gals, they find a place they want to live there, they try it out for a few months, maybe they live there for six months or a year. They decide, you know what, I don't want to live here anymore. Maybe they go through a breakup, and their priorities change. They decide, you know what, I don't want to be in the city that caters to couples anymore. Vice versa, maybe they get into a relationship and they're like, you know what, this city caters to bachelors. There's nothing wrong with moving around as your priorities change.
3:37 I think more people in the world would be happier if they could change their location to one that's a better fit for their needs at the time. And I think that's part of why being happy alone is so valuable. And I think they have a tendency to blame Dumaguete or the Philippines. They have internal unhappiness. They feel that they need to be around other people to be happy. I think some guys, they stay here in Dumaguete because even if it's not their favorite, even if they don't love Dumaguete, they can't be happy alone in another city. And so they complain about it. It becomes toxic. 'Oh, do Miti this, oh, draw Miti that.' And they might be better off relocating to a different city, choosing another city that's bigger, choosing an area that's a smaller town.
4:26 Feeling there's a lot of great options here in the Philippines, but I hate it for the people that they don't care for Dumaguete, but they can't be happy alone. They need to be around a community of expats. I think it's helpful to have a community of expats. I've got my own reasons for that, but there's other things I like about Dumaguete beyond just the presence of expats. I like the western-style restaurants. I like that the traffic isn't too bad. I like that the cost of living, for me, my opinion anyway, is fairly modest. It's easy to get around the city. There's a lot of transportation options. There's a lot to like about here, far beyond the presence of expats. But I think for some guys, the only thing they like about Dumaguete is the expat community. Otherwise, they'd rather be somewhere else. And that's why I find it valuable to be happy on my own.
5:20 Is there are some days where I spend totally by myself here in Dumaguete? Now, I am more of an introvert, and I'm totally cool with that. For those who don't care for the expats and Dumaguete, aren't you glad that there's a city where the people you don't particularly like can live? As far as expats go, I find the Filipinos here to be wonderful. But as far as expats, I certainly admit not all of us are the best and the brightest. If you've learned to be happy on your own, then it's no problem for you to move around to find a place that's a better fit for you, that resonates more with your values or your lifestyle preferences. Maybe you don't like your dating options in a certain city.
6:05 And there's a lot of choice anywhere you go in the world, any country you go to, to pick a place that's the right fit for you. But you can't take everybody with you, right? You can't pack all your friends into a suitcase and go. I have some friends I won't be able to see every day if I leave Dumaguete, and it does stink. But I know I can be happy on my own.
6:24 Point number three is that you may go through a breakup or two. You may go through the end of a relationship. Things don't work out with you and your girlfriend, and you find yourself alone. And if you didn't learn how to be happy on your own, it may be a real struggle. I know some of us, our lives and our happiness is reliant upon another person or a relationship, and we just fall apart when that relationship ends. I've seen it happen before. It's happened to me to some extent when I was younger, where I just didn't know how to be happy alone.
6:57 And I think it's especially hard when you're in another country, halfway around the world from what you're used to, and you run into difficulties. And you used to rely on another person to solve your problems, and now you're on your own. You can't figure things out. I think it's probably worse in some ways outside of the Philippines because here, at least you have English, right? You can communicate with most people at a basic level. If you're in Thailand or you're in another country that you don't speak the language in, it's going to be a lot harder for you if you haven't practiced being happy on your own.
7:30 And maybe you saw it coming, and you started to make a plan to adjust. I think that's a good thing if you feel like, ah, this relationship ain't going so well. Maybe I should start to figure out what my life is going to look like. Because most of us, we've been through breakups. I think for a lot of us, when we go through breakups, it's not out of the blue. It's not totally random. We had some suspicion or some warning signs. It seems like the people that have the hardest time with breakups are those who never learn to be happy alone, never learn how to manage their feelings, and now they're trying to find a rebound.
8:00 And now they're trying to find a rebound, somebody to somebody to help them bounce back, to feel like somebody to help them bounce back. I have had an experience abroad where I broke it off with a girl, or a girl broke it off with me. I have had the experience abroad where I broke it off with a woman, or a woman broke it off with me, and I thought to myself, what am I doing here?
8:30 I have had the experience where I have had the experience where I broke it off with a woman, or a woman broke it off with me, while living overseas, and I thought, what am I doing here? And I really had this sort of existential question, like, is my love or happiness in this country related to my relationship, or related to my relationship? Or do I actually want to be here?
9:00 It's a deep question. I was talking with my buddy Chad recently, and he helped me to understand part of my initial falling in love with Thailand was based on my romantic experiences there. And there are some other countries that I could say the same about, where part of the initial attraction was dating success. And I might have rated my experiences in those countries more positively than they were in actuality, because I was just so thrilled about the romantic component of my life there.
9:31 And I think that helps to explain part of my love for the Philippines is that I didn't come here for a dating. I actually came here because I had hired a virtual assistant located here in the Philippines. And so the romantic part for me came later in my experience here. It wasn't like, oh, I'm going there to meet somebody that I have this romantic connection with. It was more like, I'm going there because I want to show thanks and gratitude toward the individual that helped me to have business success. Even though ultimately, the relationship that I later pursued in the Philippines with a woman I met, uh, didn't work out, I still love the Philippines. There's not this frustration or bitterness toward the Philippines because I loved it before.
10:18 Where there have been countries that I went to, and very quickly after arrival, I found myself in a romantic relationship. And when things went south, it was like, man, can I really be happy here? I don't know if I can be happy here. Um, even with Thailand, a country I love, I later had a relationship with a woman there. It didn't work out, and it made me question myself a lot as to whether or...
10:44 I question myself a lot as to whether or not I could really be happy there. I've since reflected on that experience and had many other positive experiences in Thailand, including dating. I recognized it was just me and that point in my life. But if you're not happy on your own, which I spent big chunks of my life unhappy spending time on my own or being alone, it's going to color a lot of your experiences in a certain way that prevents you from having self-awareness.
11:10 I'd say most of the guys that you meet here that are in successful relationships, it wasn't their first relationship that worked out. They went through a breakup, they went through a second breakup. And if they didn't know how to be happy on their own and pick themselves back up, lift themselves off the ground, then they might have not found their love. They might have not found the one that's right for them and moved on with their lives.
11:34 Some of the biggest mistakes I've seen expats make here in the Philippines or in any country for that matter involve other people. It's not like they were on their own and then went through a breakup. It's not like they were on their own and got into an altercation in an adult beverage establishment. No, I found most mistakes abroad to involve other people, and in part result from people being unhappy by themselves.
12:00 Why were you at that adult beverage establishment? Well, I can't stand the thoughts in my head. I don't like to be alone, so I got to go there to forget. Why were you with that awful person? Well, I can't stand being single. I've got to have somebody. I've got to be with somebody.
12:15 There are so many instances of this where people get mixed up with the wrong crowd. I got mixed up with the wrong crowd when I was younger, and they waste their time, may have a negative impact on their health, definitely their wallet. You want to mess up your finances? Start hanging out with the wrong people.
12:35 This is where I think learning to be happy on your own is key. You're not reliant upon other people for happiness. You're not trying to find happiness outside of yourself. You're not desperate for attention from other people to feel whole. You really avoid a lot of pitfalls.
12:51 I think a lot of people wonder what can I add to my life to make it better? For me, I found much more often it's what could I subtract from my life to make it better? What are the things that I should stop doing? Who are the people that I am better off not associating with? What are the behaviors or the habits that I need to take accountability for and try to work them out of who I am?
13:18 Can I be healthier? Are there things that other people could be doing, but are there things that I could be doing to improve my situation, improve my life? With loneliness, a lot of us feel lonely in the modern world. We rely too much on friends and family to solve that.
13:33 The most effective thing that I've found to deal with my loneliness is to work with other people who are way sharper and more successful than I am. Guys that I really admire. I think they are amazing at this craft that is YouTube and video production, and that has really done a number on my loneliness.
13:54 It's hard to feel lonely when you get to work with people who you admire their skill set, their tenacity, their determination, their self-awareness, and people that you would trade places with. Wow, that guy seems to be living life on his own terms in a way that's, you know, I see him smiling all the time. I see him happy all the time.
14:16 That moves on to my final point where I think it's easier to consume or to subtract from our funds. It's easier to spend our time than to save our time. Try to conserve our time for the people that we care about. That's what I'm looking for. I'm searching for those people that really are those rare people that I enjoy being around as much as I enjoy being around myself.
14:41 I've removed a lot of toxic people from my life. If you've watched my channel for some time, you're probably aware of some of those circumstances. If not, go back and watch some of my more popular videos that seem to be tackling that subject.
14:58 But yeah, it was hard. It was hard for me to walk away from difficult people in my life. It was hard for me to say, look, I'm setting this hard boundary. This isn't going anywhere. This isn't good for me. This isn't good for you, and we need to go our separate ways.
15:14 Sometimes I get labeled, 'Oh, you're just abandoning them.' Well, if I'm such a jerk, how am I helping them by being involved in their life? Conversely, if they're a jerk, what am I doing wrong to remove them from my life? I'm not going to apologize for looking out for myself.
15:30 Everybody's doing it, and I just try to be mindful that looking out for myself doesn't directly result in harming others. There's a lot that people could do to work on their happiness. Trying to add themselves to me isn't going to make them happy.
15:50 I've seen too many people in my life try to put their happiness on me, and I think that's part of growth. So let us know what you think down in the comments below. Have you learned to be happy alone or on your own as an expat living overseas? Have you struggled?
16:07 I've definitely had my struggles. It helps to generate an interesting discussion when we can talk about these things. Next, give us a thumbs up, it helps with the YouTube algorithm. And finally, subscribe to the channel down below if you want to see more content like this.
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