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Many expats experience estrangement from their families due to toxic relationships, lack of support, and the economic pressures of Western economies, leading them to seek new beginnings and greater autonomy abroad.
The video explores why estrangement from family is a common issue among expats. It suggests that extraordinary circumstances, often involving toxic family dynamics and manipulation, push individuals to seek new lives abroad. The rise of online communities has helped many realize they are not alone in their struggles, providing a sense of validation and shared experience. Moving to another country offers a chance to escape these negative situations and reinvent oneself, free from constant reminders of past trauma.
A significant reason for expats dealing with estrangement is that they have typically exhausted all other options to mend family relationships before deciding to move. This often involves trying counseling, setting boundaries, and communicating their feelings, only to find that toxic individuals rarely change and may even escalate their manipulative behavior. The desperation of these individuals can lead them to exert extreme control over the few relationships they have left, making physical distance a necessary step for self-preservation.
Furthermore, many expats don't feel they are leaving behind strong social or familial ties, making the move less of a sacrifice. The economic realities of Western countries, which often require dual incomes and can make basic necessities unaffordable without strong support systems, contrast sharply with more economical countries abroad. This allows expats to gain greater autonomy and build higher-quality relationships without the constant financial pressure or the need to tolerate toxic family members for support.
Ultimately, the video posits that for those estranged from family and struggling in economies that demand familial or partner support, moving abroad can offer a path to greater independence and a more fulfilling life. While not a guaranteed solution, exploring new countries can provide a chance to escape difficult circumstances, improve economic stability, and foster healthier relationships, making it a worthwhile consideration for many.
Expats often become estranged from family due to toxic dynamics, manipulation, and a lack of support. Moving abroad offers a fresh start and anonymity, allowing individuals to escape these negative situations. This decision is usually a last resort after exhausting other options to mend relationships.
Moving abroad can provide a necessary escape from toxic family dynamics and manipulative behaviors. The physical distance allows for self-preservation and a chance to build a new life free from constant reminders of past trauma. It offers a path to greater independence and healthier relationships.
Yes, economic factors play a significant role. Western economies often require high incomes and can make basic necessities unaffordable, contrasting with more economical countries abroad. This allows expats to gain financial autonomy and reduce dependency on potentially toxic family members for support.
Online communities offer crucial support and validation for expats dealing with estrangement. They help individuals realize they are not alone in their struggles, providing a sense of shared experience and understanding. This validation is vital for those seeking to overcome difficult family situations.
For many, moving abroad is a deliberate escape from toxic family relationships and manipulative behaviors. It offers a chance to reinvent oneself and build a life free from the constant stress and trauma associated with such dynamics. This move is often a last resort for self-preservation.
Expats often leave their families due to toxic dynamics and manipulation, pushing them to seek new lives abroad. They typically exhaust all other options to mend relationships before moving, as toxic individuals rarely change. Moving abroad offers a chance to escape negative situations and reinvent oneself, free from constant reminders of past trauma.
Yes, moving abroad can be a way to escape difficult family situations and toxic dynamics. For many, it's a last resort after trying other methods to resolve issues. The physical distance provides a necessary step for self-preservation and allows individuals to build healthier relationships.
Yes, many expats find better economic opportunities abroad. Western countries often have high living costs requiring dual incomes, whereas other countries are more economical. This allows expats to gain greater autonomy and build higher-quality relationships without constant financial pressure.
Online communities can be very helpful for expats dealing with family estrangement. They provide a sense of validation and shared experience, helping individuals realize they are not alone in their struggles. This support is crucial for those who have moved abroad to escape difficult family dynamics.
Moving to another country offers a chance for expats to reinvent themselves. The anonymity of a new place allows for a fresh start, free from past trauma and toxic family influences. This reinvention is often a key motivator for those seeking to escape difficult home environments.
0:01 If it ain't going to work out for me here, maybe it'll work out for me elsewhere. They're going to be calling the police on me, and I've tried setting boundaries. How can I plan for Christmas elsewhere? I'm not just chasing my bills down 24/7.
0:13 They become more and more desperate to control the people they have left. Hey YouTube, Alex here. In today's video, we're going to be talking about a difficult subject: the topic of estrangement. Unfortunately, I think it's relevant to a lot of expats. I hope you don't fall into this category, but in the case that you do, you may find some value here.
0:31 For number one, it takes some extraordinary circumstances to move out of your home country. A lot of people who are estranged from their families probably see it as extraordinary circumstances. They may feel like, 'I'm the only one going through this.' Until recently, with the growth of estrangement communities on YouTube and on various forums, it seemed like a very strange thing to engage in. 'Oh, how dare you turn your back on your family? How dare you not respect your mother?'
0:58 I can't tell you how many people have been manipulated by my narcissistic grandmother to believe that I'm the bad guy. Eventually, some of those people figure it out because narcissists struggle with consistency. They struggle with keeping their story straight. Often, eventually, cracks begin to surface in whatever narrative they've created, but it can be really isolating until then.
1:20 There's a lot of, 'You need to do this and you need to do that.' Ultimately, I realized many of these people are flying monkeys, and they're there to collect some kind of benefit from my grandmother, whether it be financial or attention. And I got to cut those people out too.
1:32 It's unfortunate. One of the most beautiful aspects of the modern world is that we can gather together in online communities to commiserate and to discuss our challenges, our problems, what we've been through. We can meet like-minded people. We don't have to just go off and starve in the woods. We can actually get together.
1:47 'Oh man, you're dealing with estrangement too? What's that like for you? How did you draw the conclusion that that was what you needed to do? What happened leading up to that decision?' And you start to see patterns. You start to see, 'Oh wow, you had a narcissistic parent, you had an enabler parent, you had a narcissistic grandparent.' These patterns repeat themselves.
2:06 And so, while you initially feel like, 'Ah, this is an extraordinary circumstance,' you start talking to more people online, you connect with other people online, you realize, 'Man, like a lot of people have had to go through this.' A lot of people have had to make this decision to maintain their own sanity, their own well-being, to preserve themselves.
2:23 And in the modern economy, self-preservation is super important. We don't have the surplus of resources that we may have had in the past, such that these toxic behaviors can be more easily overlooked. So we're finding out, 'Hey, I can start anew by going abroad. I can move to another country. I don't have to be reminded of these toxic situations.'
2:46 I don't have to remember every time we go by that store about the freak out in the store. I don't have to be confronted by random people in public who are telling me, 'You need to be nice to so-and-so,' and, 'You need to do this, and you're such a bad guy. I can't believe you treated him that way or her that way.' You just don't have that.
3:03 If you move abroad, you can reinvent yourself. There's nobody coming up to you and being nasty to you. It's just very, very infrequent. And if you're not a public figure like I am, nobody's recognizing you at all. And I'm just barely starting to get recognized. Those interactions have been positive.
3:21 So it's not going to be like back home where you've got the useful idiots coming out of the woodwork. You don't have the reminders of your trauma with these extreme problems. I think they necessitate extreme action, extreme self-ownership, responsibility, and saying, 'Hey, if it ain't going to work out for me here, maybe it'll work out for me elsewhere.'
3:40 And maybe it won't. Maybe you find out you got to stay back home and sort out your issues. But I personally think it's worth a try. I think many of you would also agree that it's worth a try for many people, and I commend the guys and gals to give it a try. You may figure out it's not for you, and I commend you for trying.
3:56 I have no ill will toward those who give it a shot and find out, 'Hey, you know what? It's nice for vacation. It was nice to visit. It's not for me.' I don't care for the weather, whatever it may be. Taking a chance can be a beautiful thing.
4:09 The number two reason why so many expats deal with estrangement is that we've tried a lot of different things before we moved halfway around the world. We tried to have a discussion. We tried to hear them out. We tried to let them know our feelings. We may have even sought counseling. We may have reached out to religious or community leaders.
4:30 We've tried everything. Most people's first thought when they're dealing with toxic family members and a lack of support is not, 'Hey, you know what? I need to move halfway around the world.' There's often a series of events that gets them there.
4:40 A lot of people who are narcissist apologists or toxic people apologists will say, 'Oh, just because Sally wouldn't pass assault, you won't talk to her anymore?' No, Sally's probably been really abusive in many different ways and is incapable of interpersonal change.
4:54 And I think that people don't change. My personal experience in life has been that toxic people do not change. In many cases, they get worse. In many cases, they actually just learn how to be more manipulative because they don't see a problem with their behavior. It's ego syntonic.
5:10 They think it's a problem with everybody else. They think it's everybody else around them that has an issue, and that if everybody else would change, everything would be fine. They don't have the ability to look in the mirror and say, 'Hey, I'm mistreating people. I'm the one that is the root of this issue. I'm the one who is disrespectful, inconsiderate, I'm manipulative, I'm a liar.'
5:32 That kind of thing, that's just not the case with these toxic people. A sense of desperation can evolve where, as they burn more and more bridges and destroy more and more relationships, they become more and more desperate to control the people they have left. The people who are willing to overlook their issues.
5:48 And you may be in that position, right? You may have a family member who's burned a lot of their bridges, and you're their last bridge left, and they are really trying to sink their claws into you. And so you realize, 'I can't move across town. They're going to be showing up at my house.'
6:00 They're going to be calling the police on me to do a welfare check when there's nothing going wrong with me. They're going to be inventing excuses. They might be calling up my job or showing up at my job trying to get me fired. There's no telling what a toxic person will do.
6:14 You may come to the conclusion, 'Hey, if I'm halfway around the world, they don't know where I am. They don't have a passport. They may not be physically well enough to fly halfway around the world. They may not have the health to get on an international flight.' And so I'm free.
6:29 They can kick and scream as much as they want, but as long as I've got the resources to pay my bills in perpetuity, this is the end. It's so freeing when you're dealing with a toxic family member. They start to realize the lift involved for me to get over there is immense. I can't do it.
6:45 And there's no real way for me to threaten them to come back. They don't know who to call to harass you. They don't know what city you're in. If they know what city you're in, well, if you're in a city of 10, 15 million people, a lot of these people I found will get bored and move on to another target because the effort involved to target you, to go after you, is far more than what they're willing to do compared to just trying to go hunting in their local community.
7:09 So that's in point number two, talking about extraordinary circumstances as to why a person would leave their home country. Why so many expats deal with estrangement. Moving on to point number three.
7:20 Point number three, I've learned that many of us don't feel like we're leaving much behind back home, and that can take many different forms. I think the top one is relationships. I've learned lately that for many of us, if we're willing to move halfway around the world, then we probably don't have a ton of strong connections back home.
7:35 For me personally, I've spent at least a dozen Christmases by myself. When I'm sitting there on Christmas alone, I don't have this strong sense of, 'Oh man, this is so amazing. I've got to stick around for another one of these.' What I'm thinking is, 'How can I plan for Christmas elsewhere? How can I plan for the holidays elsewhere?'
7:56 Because I feel much more included in other countries, other cities that I've been to, other situations entirely. I don't feel like, 'Oh, I'm going to be missing out on this amazing time with loved ones, and we're going to have such a nice meal together.' We'll exchange stories of yesteryear. There is none of that.
8:14 So this idea that, 'Oh, you're going to miss out,' is not applicable in my situation. I imagine the same is true for many of you. You really have to consider what kind of circumstances would encourage a person to move halfway around the world. I found in many cases, they're not positive.
8:32 There are some people that they have a perfectly good relationship with their family back home, and for whatever reason, you know, they've decided, 'Hey, I've got a better life over there.' But I think for most of us, it's a combination of reasons. It's not just financial, it's not just familial, it's not just the weather. It's usually several different reasons in tandem that cause us to want to move.
8:56 And we don't really feel like we're giving up much in return. I certainly don't feel that way, aside from career growth, which is important, to be fair, and...
9:04 Earning potential, I don't really feel like I'm giving much up in the relationships department. Do I have some good friends back home? Absolutely. I'm not going to knock those relationships, but it's important to consider where those friends are at. They're in their own careers, they have their own significant others, some of them have children. They've got their own lives, and it's not realistic for me to stick around and say, 'Hey, you're going to fulfill my needs in a way that distracts them from fulfilling their own needs.'
9:32 I mean, if somebody's at work, am I going to call them and disrupt them while they're at work? 'Hey, I'm bored, I have the day off, you want to hang out?' No, that's not really fair to have that expectation. And so, I feel like the ideal scenario for me is to trade the whole picture of what I've got back home for the whole picture of what I have here. Are there some trade-offs? Absolutely. There is no perfect place in the world, there is no ideal. You're simply saying, 'I prefer this set of circumstances to the set of circumstances back home.'
10:01 And each person has different circumstances, right? Some people have a fantastic career back home, a loving family, and a nice place to live. They're not in the same position as somebody like myself that has an okay career, no home, and no family. So the trade-offs for these two different sets of circumstances and everything in between are totally different.
10:24 I've heard this said before: if you have a great life back home, you're probably not thinking about becoming an expat. If you do, you feel comfortable with your job, you live in a nice neighborhood, you are surrounded by people you care about, you have a sense of community, you belong to different social clubs. The thought of coming over here probably hasn't crossed your mind.
10:46 On the other hand, if you're bored, you're lonely, you're watching YouTube in your small apartment, you're trying to distract yourself from the stress of the workday, you know that your situation is unlikely to change anytime soon, then yeah, you'll probably start to watch expat YouTubers. You'll probably start to watch people living in other countries. You'll probably start to realize, 'Hey, there's something interesting over there. I want to check it out, see it for myself,' and then take the steps to at least do a discovery trip.
11:15 And that's why I always recommend, do a discovery trip. Don't necessarily commit to live in this place or that place. Go check it out when you get your yearly vacation. Take a couple weeks off work and go down to South America or come over here to Southeast Asia. See what it's about for yourself and think about it, not just, 'I'm here in vacation mode,' but 'What is it like to live here versus what is it like to live back home?'
11:37 Point number four: for those of us who are seeking social connections, we're often seeking what we don't have back home. If you're somebody who has been a bachelor for a long time, like myself and like, I'm sure, many of you, then you're seeking a relationship. In my opinion, it probably shouldn't be your only reason for moving abroad, but you feel like, 'Hey, it's a chance to reinvent myself, it's a chance to change my story, write a new narrative.'
12:02 To maybe have more purchasing power. Maybe you're going to upgrade your apartment, maybe you're going to live in a walkable neighborhood as opposed to a suburban area where you've got to own and maintain a car. That can be a money pit for many of us Americans. You prioritize relationships back home, you're prioritizing work and career. You've got to make that money to stay on top of your bills.
12:25 Maybe you moved to a place that's more economical, and now all of a sudden, 'Hey, I'm not just chasing my bills down 24/7. Now I can actually live a decent lifestyle on a modest budget.' And now the bulk of my time could be invested in relationships. I've heard that from some Americans back home where they're talking about how, 'I didn't have a social life until I retired because I was just busy trying to work. I don't really have the time to invest in relationships like I do as a retired person.'
12:50 And I think you could take that to the next level by moving to a more economical country or city. I had plenty of friends back home that would probably have deeper connections socially if they weren't trying to grind it out and get ahead in their job. Their job simply takes a lot of precedent over other areas of their life, and they may feel a bit imbalanced.
13:14 For example, as salespeople, we're often socializing non-stop at work. So even the very extroverted salesperson may not want to do a whole lot of socializing after work. They go abroad, and now all this social energy that was directed at trying to get the deal closed is now directed at meeting a significant other, is directed at making new friendships, trying out new hobbies, exploring their new city, and doing all these other activities that we just simply don't have time for back home.
13:44 I didn't fully understand this until I came to the Philippines and I talked to guys who, back in their home country, they had a dynamic career, they were a manager, they were a leader, and their job took the majority of their time. It dictated where they lived, dictated what time they woke up, what time they got to bed, where they were, how they were spending their weekends. In some cases, right, if you've got to be somewhere for a work trip, that's going to determine your location.
14:11 And so they get into this position where they're living abroad, and now they have all of this control over their time. And like I said, I didn't really appreciate this until I came to the Philippines and started talking to guys who said, 'What a relief! Like, if I was back home, I'd be having to work a part-time job minimum just to make sure my bills are paid.' And at that, 'That part-time job may have a bad day at work that puts me in a funky mood, and that bleeds into the next day, and now, man, I really just don't feel like hanging out because I'm in a bad mood and I don't want to bring the people around me down.'
14:45 Where they're over here, they don't have such interactions. They can bring a more present, more positive version of themselves to their relationships, and their relationships are higher quality as a result. I've been shocked at how many friends I've made here in the Philippines in just a few weeks because I'm in a good mood. I'm not anxious about this, I'm not worried about that, I'm not regretting this or that. If I get invited out for this or that, I'm not having to tell my friends, 'Sorry, can't go out, got to get up early for work.'
15:16 No, if my friend wants to meet for coffee at 9:00 AM, well, back home at 9:00 AM, I've got to work. Whereas if I'm over here, sure, I'll meet you. I'll get down there, and we'll have a nice cup of coffee, we'll have a chat, maybe we'll make some content. And so, for some of us, we have just such a much more fulfilling and rich social life than we could ever have back home.
15:35 The stress from my job or life back home has definitely impacted some of my relationships in a negative way. I'm stressed out about work, I snap at a friend, and now all of a sudden, there's some distance between us. And then maybe that distance grows and gets worse, and now, before I know it, six months has passed, and I haven't talked to somebody who, before that incident, I may have been talking to on a weekly basis.
15:59 And that's not quite estrangement, that's drifting apart. But I feel like drifting apart doesn't happen as much here. Subconsciously, it seems to be more of a conscious choice over here where we have so many relationships that we don't feel like, 'Ah, man, I better hold on to that one, because who knows where I'm going to make another friend?' Right? Who knows when I'm going to have the opportunity to socialize again like that back home?
16:21 I feel like when it comes to estrangement, I've often tried everything else with that person. I've tried setting boundaries, I've tried giving them some space, I've tried explaining my feelings, and only as a last resort am I willing to give those relationships up. Whereas here, it's like, 'H, I've got enough friends that if it doesn't work out with that person, then somebody else will gladly have coffee with me or hang out.'
16:47 And so yeah, I think when you're abroad, you can develop better quality relationships and a higher quantity of relationships, such that factors like estrangement or drifting apart don't seem to be quite so painful in the same way. They don't seem to involve quite such a strong sense of loss that they do back home.
17:05 The fifth and final reason why estrangement is so common in the expat community is that we can't rely on family support back home. And so we end up coming over here because the economics allow for us to survive without putting up with those toxic relationships. I know quite a few people back home who they have to maintain these toxic relationships due to financial pressure. 'Ah man, you know my parent is really, really toxic, but who's going to watch my dog when I've got to go away on a work trip?'
17:35 And sending him to doggy daycare might cost $100 or $200 plus per week. Let me know down in the comments if you've had to put your dog in doggy daycare and what it cost you in your location. Another example, you may be living with a family member, maybe you fell on hard times, and this family member is toxic, and you can't afford to move out on your own. You're stuck there having to put up with their behavior and being at their whim, where they may randomly decide, 'I changed my mind, I'm going to throw you out.' This has happened to me.
18:06 And so you're really walking on eggshells because you don't like them, but you're not in a position to just up and leave. That's not an issue over here. If you have a living situation that ain't working out, now let me add a caveat: assuming you haven't purchased a property, assuming this isn't tied in with your significant other, then you could just up and leave. You know what? Don't like it, I'll negotiate with the...
18:26 I don't like it. I'll negotiate with the landlord to find an arrangement, but I'm just going to move to this other city because my rent is $400 a month as opposed to $2,000 a month. It's just not the same level of seriousness to give that up.
18:40 And there's also in many of these countries not the same level of housing shortage, so you're not going to also spend a lot of time trying to find a new place in the same way you might back in your home country, especially if you've got to be in proximity to work.
18:54 I mean, it's one thing to find something on the outskirts of town in the middle of nowhere. It's another thing to be within commuting distance. One of the benefits of being back home is presumably economic, that you can stick together, you can go in together on different purchases. Maybe the family can share a lawnmower or a vehicle.
19:14 If you can't rely on your family, if you can't trust your family, then you're not getting these economic benefits of sticking together. You're essentially a lone wolf, you're on your own. And so to offset that, you move to a more economical country.
19:27 Now all of a sudden, you don't have to put up with that toxic behavior. You're not looking at a massive tradeoff of, do I live in my car or with my horrible relative that treats me badly? You're thinking, do I want to live in this city or do I want to live in that city? I can afford to live in both. It really doesn't make a difference since I'm not tied to a location for a job.
19:46 I think that's a beautiful thing. Unlike in the developing world, Western economies are designed for multiple people in a household earning a professional income. They're not even designed anymore to have two parents supporting a family.
19:58 I talk about this a lot. If you meet me in person, you'll probably hear me mention it if we talk long enough. But a long time ago in the West, you had one person, typically the man, able to support a family of four. Then it moved to more like you had two parents having to work to support a family of four. Now you've got two people working and unable to afford to have children.
20:20 So the economies are set up for you to have to have a partner, but then not have a family. And so the economies over here are not like that. People here are typically less materially wealthy than they are back home, but in turn, they have family closeness that is frankly uncommon back home.
20:34 Is it all sunshine and rainbows paradise? No, that's not the point of this video. The question that I do have to ask is, if you're not getting the benefits of family support back home, would it make better sense for you to do a discovery trip and check out a different country where you feel more autonomy, you feel like you're able to be more independent at a more modest amount of money than you would back home?
20:59 Home where you've got to work, you've got to put up with people you don't like, and you're just stuck in that struggle. And prices aren't going to come down. Let's just be honest here, the Western democracies in our lifetimes, it's very unlikely that rental prices are going to come down. It's very unlikely that food prices are going to come down. Very unlikely that the prices of personal transportation vehicles, also public transportation, are going to come down.
21:23 That's part of the reason I'm making this video is that if you're dealing with arrangement, you don't have the familial support, you see yourself struggling in economies that are designed for people with family support, or at least the support of a significant other, then it may make sense for you to go abroad.
21:36 So I hope these five reasons have been helpful for you. This video, I've talked about why I think there are so many expats that struggle with estrangement, why people who are dealing with estrangement may benefit from living abroad. It's not a guarantee, but I think these topics are worth discussing.
21:52 Let me know what you think down in the comments. Are you dealing with estrangement? Maybe you have a friend who's moved abroad who's dealing with arrangement? Give us a thumbs up if you found this content to be helpful, and if you want to see more content like this, please subscribe to the channel down below, and we'll see you next time.
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