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Estrangement from toxic family members is a necessary step for personal growth, self-respect, and the pursuit of a fulfilling life, even if it means cutting off all biological family ties.
The speaker, Alex, explains their decision to be estranged from their entire biological family, a choice stemming from years of toxic interactions and abuse. The estrangement began subtly in childhood after their mother's death, with instances of theft and manipulation by an aunt, and escalated through various family members exhibiting narcissistic, abusive, or irresponsible behaviors.
The speaker details specific instances of estrangement from an aunt, a male cousin who excluded them from his wedding, a younger female cousin who demanded social media access and insulted them, and an older female cousin who struggled with addiction and lost her nursing license. These relationships were characterized by dishonesty, exploitation, and a lack of respect for boundaries, leading to a decision to cease contact.
The most significant estrangement is from the grandmother, whose controlling behavior included invading privacy, hindering educational opportunities, and even involving the legal system through false accusations. After repeated attempts at manipulation and threats, the speaker ultimately decided to cut ties completely, prioritizing their peace and safety over maintaining a relationship that was consistently detrimental.
Ultimately, the speaker emphasizes that estrangement, while difficult, has led to greater self-respect, freedom, and the ability to pursue personal goals like international travel and career development without the burden of toxic family dynamics. They encourage others in similar situations to prioritize their well-being and recognize that cutting off harmful relationships can be a path to a happier, more fulfilling life.
Estrangement from toxic family is a deliberate decision to cease contact with relatives whose behavior is harmful, manipulative, or abusive. It's a personal choice made to escape negative dynamics and prioritize one's own mental well-being and safety. This often involves setting firm boundaries to protect oneself from continued emotional distress.
Cutting off toxic family is often necessary to escape patterns of abuse, manipulation, and disrespect that hinder personal growth. It allows individuals to regain self-respect, improve their mental health, and pursue a more fulfilling life free from constant negativity. Prioritizing one's own peace and happiness is the primary driver for this difficult decision.
Dealing with narcissistic family members often requires establishing very firm boundaries and limiting contact to protect your emotional well-being. This may involve refusing to engage in arguments, not sharing personal information, and being prepared to cut ties completely if the behavior persists. Seeking support from friends or therapists can also be beneficial.
Estrangement from family is not inherently bad; it can be a necessary act of self-preservation when family relationships are consistently toxic or abusive. While difficult and often accompanied by guilt, it can lead to greater personal freedom, self-respect, and the ability to build a healthier life. The decision should be based on individual well-being, not societal pressure.
Reasons for family estrangement often include ongoing toxic dynamics, abuse, manipulation, lack of respect for boundaries, and narcissistic behaviors from family members. Individuals may choose estrangement to escape persistent emotional harm, protect their mental health, and pursue personal growth without the burden of destructive relationships. It's a path taken when the relationship causes more pain than benefit.
Yes, it is possible to cut off an entire family if the collective dynamics are overwhelmingly toxic and detrimental to your well-being. This is a significant decision, often made after exhausting other options, to create a safe space for personal healing and growth. The focus shifts to building a chosen family of supportive friends and pursuing individual goals.
People choose estrangement to escape toxic family dynamics, manipulation, and abuse. It's a decision driven by the need to prioritize self-respect and mental well-being over maintaining harmful relationships. This can lead to greater peace and freedom.
Estrangement is not necessarily a sign of narcissism in the person choosing it. Instead, it often stems from dealing with narcissistic or otherwise abusive behaviors within the family system. The decision is made to protect oneself from ongoing harm.
Yes, many people find that estrangement leads to greater happiness, self-respect, and freedom. It allows individuals to pursue personal goals and build a more fulfilling life without the burden of toxic family dynamics.
If family blames you for something you didn't do, it's a sign of a toxic dynamic where your well-being is not prioritized. It can be a reason for estrangement, and seeking therapy can help in finding peace and healing from such situations.
Being the family scapegoat means you are unfairly blamed for problems within the family. While it's a painful experience, many people in this situation choose estrangement to protect themselves and begin healing.
Dealing with toxic family members often involves setting firm boundaries, which may include ceasing contact or estrangement. Prioritizing your mental health and well-being is crucial, even if it means making difficult choices about relationships.
0:07 Hey YouTube, Alex here. In this video, I want to talk about a tough subject. I realized I probably should avoid these subjects just to be nice and to portray this only positive type of thing. I think that there's a lot of positivity, but I mentioned it before, part of my interest in traveling abroad is avoiding certain pains in the United States, whether it be financial, toxic people, unhealthy food, etc. And so for me, I thought I'd just talk about why it makes more sense for me to avoid talking to my family, why we are estranged.
0:44 So for those who aren't familiar, estrangement for me functionally is, I don't speak to any of my family members, any of my biological family members. Well, you might be wondering, how does somebody get to that point with their family? I know a lot of people are close to their families, especially in places I travel abroad. And so it seems pretty strange this idea that we're not going to talk anymore. We haven't in years. I haven't been talking to several of my family members in 10 years.
1:33 Before I get into this, you should understand this is not necessarily an easy subject to talk about for me, even though it has been a long time for that between me seeing them and talking to them. But I think it's necessary because I think some of you may find yourself in this position at some point or another in life.
1:47 So really, for me, it started when my mom passed away. She passed away in the year 2000. I was eight years old. I watched my male cousin basically skip the funeral so he could play video games. Literally, we were getting in the car to go, and he was playing video games and said, 'Oh no, I don't participate in funerals.' And that was the first sign I knew something needed to change, but I was eight years old. How can an eight-year-old conceptualize these things?
2:26 But really, it started before that because as soon as my mother passed away, before even the funeral happened, my aunt came to our house where we lived and basically pirated and looted everything of value in the house. She even recruited me to help with this. I had no idea what was going on. I didn't really fully process my mom was...
2:51 So as you can see, that's reason enough. I stayed in touch with my aunt for the next 10 years. When I was 18 and I moved out, I got kicked out. I was responsible for myself, financial, housing, everything. I just thought, why would I be close to this person that's basically a sociopath? Why would I want a relationship with somebody that perhaps egged my mother on in her mental illness and really took advantage of a terrible situation and was just all around unpleasant to be around, enabled some really terrible behaviors on the part of her children?
3:31 Anyway, that's something else I'll get into in this video. Really, what caused me to go no contact with my male cousin was that he basically cut me out of his wedding last minute. I was set to be his groomsman, and he's a really narcissistic individual. He's getting his just desserts, but that's a topic for another video. And so, like a week before the wedding, I couldn't make it when he snapped his fingers to come to his wedding rehearsal or whatever.
3:58 Which honestly, I think marriage is overrated, and a lot of people that get married could probably have stood to not get married or waited to get married. In his case, he knocked his girlfriend at the time up, and so he had no real choice. So basically, after I refused to show up on the spot to do some kind of rehearsal or whatever, he said, 'You are no longer my best man.' This and that, and I left it insulting, left an insulting voice message on my voicemail. I didn't even bother to listen to it because I didn't really like him at that point anyway. He's just not really a good person, doesn't really have any friends, and for good reason.
4:38 But after he did that, he tried to contact me again, saying, 'Oh, you could still be in the wedding.' But I found another person to be my best man, and I was just like, 'No, I don't think so. I don't really want to talk to you anymore.' I haven't spoken to him since. It's been about 10 years. I think this summer is like 10 years since all that went down. And so, I'm really glad I went no contact with him. Honestly, he doesn't really have any redemptive characteristics. He got his job because of his dad. Before I went no contact, he joked around about how lazy they were, how they don't take the job seriously, but because it's a state job, nothing can be done.
5:12 So the next person I'm no contact with my family is the younger of my two female cousins. Why am I no contact with her? Well, not too long before that, I was visiting my older female cousin's house at the time, and the younger female cousin demanded to have access to my social media. I removed her because she's just basically another really narcissistic person, and I didn't really want her to be privy to my business. So after I said no, she cursed me out and insulted me, and then tried to pretend like nothing happened a year later, saying, 'Oh, we're all friends.' I was like, 'No, I don't want anything to do with you. Why would I want anything to do with you?'
5:55 And now she's approaching 40 years old, still lives with her father and her son. She can't hold down a job because every time she gets a job, she falls asleep on the job because she doesn't take it seriously and does whatever, or she basically does something to get fired. She argues or disagrees or just doesn't do something seriously. So she can't hold down a job, she has a spotty job history. Meanwhile, she had resources to go to college. There were resources set aside specifically to pay for her education.
6:31 So as you can see, we're already off to a bad start. My aunt looted and raided my mother's home of all the valuables. My cousin, besides that, my cousin bullied my male cousin. Tried to bully me a lot. He did bully me, and I don't want to be bullied. I don't want to participate in that paradigm or that dynamic. I think it's really a waste of time.
6:46 Aside from that, my female cousin also sent a really nasty letter to my grandmother, talking about, 'You couldn't control your daughter, and now you can't control your grandson.' This and that, and has poor handwriting, doesn't really have a strong command of the English language, even though she was born in the United States and went to American public schools, which honestly aren't that great. But still, that was really the final straw, her writing this nasty letter and trying to disguise her identity. She also called my grandmother senile to one of her friends, like in her front yard, just really an imbalanced person, somebody with some deep-seated psychological issues.
7:28 So at this point, you might be wondering, what about your older female cousin? Well, she's been in rehab for the last year, so if that tells you anything. She basically lost her nursing license because she stole medication from people who were elderly people who didn't really know what was going on. And then she got caught because, naturally, it's very easy to count medication. So she lost her license, lost her job, but remained married to this real loser of a guy, and they had several children. And two of their children are basically not doing so good because their parents are extremely neglectful and abusive.
8:09 But she, after that, eventually got clean for some short amount of time. I don't really believe she got clean, whatever the discussion is. Anyway, she fell back off on the substances, then they went bankrupt and lost their house, and she decided to become a homeless person. And her ex-husband was able to maintain his job for a while because he was a drinker, somebody who could not control his drinking. Then he lost that job.
8:43 And so, as you can see with these individuals, and I'll get into my grandmother last, just because I think that's probably the most important one. As you can see, they just make really bad decisions, and they don't just make bad decisions; they try to drag other people into their bad decisions, and they often do so with success at the detriment of everyone that gets involved. So yeah, I haven't had as much of a problem staying no contact with my aunt, my older female cousin, or my male cousin.
9:09 But with the younger female cousin, I mentioned that insulting, cursed me out. I basically, last time she tried to find me on social media and contact me on a different platform that I had locked her on, and I told her, 'Look, I'm going to contact the police if you contact me one more time, and I will pursue legal action.' And there's a record of this in the messages. So she understands that if she tries to contact me again for any reason, that I will contact the police.
9:40 So the final person that I'm estranged from is my grandmother, who didn't really raise me, just kind of half-butted everything, but that's another discussion. In her case, where can I start? Let's see. Well, when I was in high school, she would go through my room. Even in middle school, she'd go through my room, throw away things she didn't like. She would try to stop me from enjoying certain kinds of music.
10:06 She, it wasn't parenting, it was really authoritarianism and trying to control every aspect of my life to be what she couldn't be, and she was deeply dissatisfied that regardless of how much she was hateful toward me, she took away everything I loved. I was really into chess, she stopped me from playing chess, even though I was growing my skill set really fast. It is really a wonderful addition to my life. I'd also gotten into an academic high school in Nashville that is really, really top-notch and really a fantastic opportunity. A lot of people go through that high school and become medical doctors, engineers, lawyers, scientists, MLK Magnet. But after two years, their seventh and eighth grade...
10:54 Years into their seventh and eighth grade, she made up some kind of excuse to break up with her partner at the time that we were living with in Nashville. This retired scientist guy named Sidney Fleischer, and uh, basically moved me away from there, moved me back to Hendersonville. She took me out of this really good high school to go to a terrible, frankly, public school that was not a magnet.
11:20 And that really set me back a lot because going to a fantastic high school like that, for people that don't have a lot of money, can really make the difference between being really successful and scraping by. I haven't scraped by the last 10 years, but I haven't done nearly as well as I could have if I had stayed at that math and science academic magnet. Certainly, some other kids also got pulled out because their parents didn't have their lives together and had to leave, but still, it's worth pointing out that really set me back.
11:48 But it just started there. When I was 15, she got me on probation for arguing with her. I didn't attack her, I didn't spit on her, I didn't curse at her. I just wanted to play video games in my spare time because it really allowed me to escape not having a mom, not having a dad, not really having any sense of community, not living around any other Asian people, just all around terrible.
12:08 And so for three years, I was tested for substances, even though I'd never done anything like that before. Probation, I had a curfew. I couldn't even, I had to call the PO to visit my own family, which I wasn't estranged yet from at that point as a teenager. And anytime I would ask her to do anything, she'd tell me to contact the probation officer. So it became this thing where she basically gave her authority over the government.
12:33 So as soon as I was 18, not too long after I was 18, I got in trouble with some greenery and I had to basically then she kicked me out. I moved in with my stepdad, who's not a good guy either. I'm also estranged from him. And I then had to move to this really small town near Memphis, and not a good experience.
12:59 And as soon as I got there, she was trying to call him saying, 'Oh no, I changed my mind, I changed my mind,' because she kicked me out due to just being embarrassed. And as an 18-year-old, getting kicked out is not easy, not when you don't have marketable skills, not when you went to a terrible high school, not when you don't really have any direction or instruction on how to be an adult.
13:24 And the Sabbath is not an adult either. He's totally reliant upon generosity from his family. He would argue otherwise, but he inherited a lot of money, and that's why he acts the way he does, really entitled.
13:40 And I cut him off because he tried to get violent with me a couple of years ago, and I'm not interested in that at all. I'm not interested in doing that. I personally have trained martial arts. I understand the consequences of fighting, and I would only do so in self-defense. And before I'd ever consider using my skills, I'll run. I don't care what the situation is.
14:03 Any trained, intelligent martial artist that you talk to is going to tell you to run before you try anything else. But so after this, I eventually made some money and I got an apartment back in Nashville. Then she called me and tried to tell me, 'If you don't give me where you live, I'm going to send people after you.' And she's done this before.
14:23 And so it's not really, I'm not really playing that game. So then I just quit talking to her and I didn't see her at all through college. And sometimes she would call me with a different number and start crying, 'Oh, this and that, this and that.' And I had to explain to her, 'Look, you know, I don't want to live in fear. I don't want to be around somebody that tries to provoke fear in me.'
14:46 And she couldn't understand this, so I just kept up the estrangement. And in the 10 years since I moved out, I've seen her maybe five times. It's actually, this fall will be three years since the last time I saw her. And before that, it was, I think, two or three years.
15:02 And I just don't really like her. I think that she's a really deeply immoral person. She tried to use false accusations against my stepdad when I was a teenager, even though there is nothing of the sort. He's not a good guy, but there's a difference between being not a good guy and being a predator.
15:23 So finally, over the years, she and I argued and fought. And so that's kind of why I stated strange. I was like, 'Look, everybody's, oh, you need to be nice for grandma.' I'm like, 'Look, we fight and argue every single time within five to ten minutes of meeting. We're arguing and arguing.'
15:39 And to me, it's not really helpful to me to be doing that because I need to be focusing on work and improving my skill set. It's not helpful to her because she's almost 90 years old. So trying to argue and this and that with a 90-year-old just doesn't make any sense. It just, to me, it's just a waste of time.
15:57 And I don't care about personal this and that at this point. I'm just not interested in that. So the final thing that really sealed the deal, so to speak, was that I want to say six months ago, I was going through a tough time living where I was living, just really not a good place to live.
16:18 And trying to call her to ask for input, advice, because she's always telling me how many wealthy people she knows, how many wealthy people she's friends with. How high this is a common thing with narcissists, by the way, is they want to associate with people that they believe to be high status and will make them look high status. So then she essentially told me not to call her anymore.
16:39 And uh, basically, that was for the best. And now she's telling her friends that I won't call her and her kids and her grandkids ignore her, and they don't give her attention. And they just, the consistent victimhood mentality. And the reality is, if somebody tells me not to contact them, I'm not going to contact them anymore, period.
16:59 I've had somebody else get angry, a former mentor, and try that and then try to go back on it. The thing is, when people say, 'Don't talk to me anymore,' to me, usually what it means is, 'I can't handle the truth. I can't handle you speaking to me in a bi-directional manner. I want it to be a unidirectional relationship where I tell you what to do and you just accept it.'
17:20 But I don't do that because now I make my own money. I'm capable of feeding myself. I have savings. I don't have to take anything from anybody except for an employer, which I would respect and follow their rules, instructions, guidelines, do everything to a T because that's what I'm getting paid to do.
17:36 Uh, if you don't have that, then really it's just too bad. But yeah, a lot of these people, they say, 'Don't talk to me again.' They don't realize I'm going to follow what you just said. I take what people say seriously, and some people really don't like that.
17:51 They want to constantly get the benefit of the doubt and constantly have somebody willing to forgive them and overlook things. And it's like, no, life is too short. I don't, I have too many friends. The thing that my grandmother doesn't realize, my former mentor doesn't realize, a lot of people won't realize.
18:05 I have too many friends. I know too many people. In the case of my mother, I knew she was a good person because over 100 people showed up to the funeral. The parking lot was packed, the building was packed. Everybody wanted to pay their respects because she was an incredible person.
18:18 And so I kind of thought about it as like, I could just cut out the bad people in my life. I can cut out these toxic people. I don't have any reason to associate with them other than their manipulation tactics that make me feel guilty or embarrassed for not being close with them.
18:33 And frankly, nobody's close with them. A lot of these people basically, they have no friends. I sort of notice, 'Wait, you've lived in the same area for decades, you have no friends?' That's really not a good sign. Another thing that these people do a lot is they constantly shuffle through relationships and different kinds of people because as soon as people find out what they're about, they don't want to be around them anymore.
18:54 When you find out somebody is aggressive, somebody does false accusations, somebody rips people off, somebody's just out for themselves only, you don't want to associate with that person. And that's part of why I made these channels. I'm like, I could associate with people who the only reason we interact is mutual benefit, except for a few hate watchers.
19:14 I think most of people watching my channel get a lot of benefit from this, and they really enjoy my topics of conversation. And, and what we could talk about. And I definitely welcome all of you to leave comments down below. Definitely ask me whatever you feel would be interesting content to you, and I can work on organizing and putting it together.
19:32 But yeah, with my stepdad, a couple years ago, I told him, 'I'm going to go to Japan, see my grandma's hometown.' He flipped out and called me lazy, tried to get violent with me. And I had to threaten to call the law enforcement people. And anytime I'm dealing with somebody where I have to threaten to call law enforcement, we're not friends anymore.
19:51 Like, by the time we're not close anymore, by the time it gets that point, there's no advantage for me in trying to. Once it's there, it's over. It's over. And so I cut him off as well. So I've cut all these people off, and I'm happier than ever.
20:04 And I've noticed in the times in my life when I maintain no contact with them, because no contact has been an off and on thing with some of these people for about 10 years, once I was realized I was done, I was like, 'Wow, I can really, even though I have nothing in some way, I have a lot, and I have self-respect.' And self-respect is invaluable.
20:25 And that's why if you're somebody who's considering estrangement or you are estranged, keep in mind that you have self-respect, and you don't need these other people, especially if you're living in the US, UK, Australia, Canada.
20:37 Typically, if you improve your skill set, work hard, and work your way up, you can get to a position where you're going to be able to build your savings. If you live fiscally responsibly, you're going to be able to consider jobs in other countries. I'm considering after I spend a couple of years in Thailand finishing up my CS degree, I'm thinking about going to Tokyo. I also really like the Bay Area and I'd love to work in the Bay Area, but man, it just seems like it'd be so cool in Tokyo.
21:00 If I was worried about what these people thought or what they were saying, I wouldn't do it. All these people have discouraged me from traveling. They've tried to fight with me on it, tried to tell me, 'Oh, you can't do that.' I can do that. I have the funds, I have the savings. I'm not borrowing money to travel.
21:15 I meet interesting people. I met the lady I'm seeing right now through my travels. It really opened up my mindset, my worldview, and they're really close-minded people. So it was important for me to get away from that.
21:26 I hope this video has been helpful. My name is Alex, channel's Alex Living Abroad. Definitely subscribe if you find this content to be helpful, empowering, invigorating, etc. I also want to give a shout out to all my subscribers who have been here since the beginning.
21:40 We're approaching 300, which is really mind-blowing to me that 300 people actively are interested in seeing what I have to say. Definitely comment down below if you get the chance because that really helps with the YouTube algorithm to show engagement and to share my videos with more people. And finally, give me a thumbs up, hit the like button.
21:58 Sometimes I feel like it passes our minds just because we are fans of channels, and so I try to do this with channels that I'm a big fan of as well and really show that algorithmic support. So thank you for watching. I know it hasn't been the most happy video, but I want to also explain to people what I'm getting away from by traveling long term.
22:25 Anyway, I'll see you next time.
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