Too Many Expats are Estranged From Their Families

if it ain't going to work out for me here maybe it'll work out for me elsewhere they're going to be calling the police on me and I've tried setting boundaries how can I plan for Christmas elsewhere I'm not

just chasing my bills down 24/7 they become more and more desperate to control the people they have left hey YouTube Alex here in today's video we're going to be talking about a difficult subject that is the topic of

estrangement unfortunately I think it's relevant to a lot of expats I hope you don't fall into this category but in the case that you do you may find some value here for number one it takes some extraordinary circumstances

to move out of your home country a lot of people who are estranged from their families probably see it as extraordinary circumstances they may feel like I'm the only one going through this until recently with the growth of

estrangement communities on YouTube and on various forums it seemed like a very strange thing to engage in oh how dare you turn your back on your family how dare you not respect your mother I can't tell you how

many people have been manipulating by my narcissistic grandmother to believe that I'm the bad guy now eventually some of those people figure it out because narcissists struggle with consistency they struggle with keeping their story straight often eventually cracks

begin to surface in whatever narrative they've created but it can be really isolating until then there's a lot of you need to do this and you need to do that ultimately I realized many of these people are flying

monkeys and they're there to collect some kind of benefit from my grandmother whether it be Financial or attention and I got to cut those people out too it's unfortunate one of the most beautiful aspects of the modern world

is that we can gather together an online communities to commiserate and to discuss our challenges our problems what we've been through we can meet like-minded people we don't have to just go off and starve in the woods we

can actually get together oh man you're dealing with arangement too what's that like for you how did you draw the conclusion that that was what you needed to do what happened leading up to that decision and you start

to see patterns you start to see oh wow you had a narcissistic parent you had an enabler parent you had a narcissistic grandparent these patterns repeat themselves and so while you initially feel like ah this is an extraordinary

circumstance you start talking to more people online you connect with other people online you realize man like a lot of people have had to go through this a lot of people have had to make this decision to maintain

their own sanity their own well-being to preserve themselves and in the modern economy self-preservation is super important we don't have the surplus of resources that we may have had in the past such that these toxic behaviors can be

more easily overlooked so we're finding out hey I can start a new by going abroad I can move to another country I don't have to be reminded of these toxic situations I don't have to remember every time we

go by that store about the freak out in the store I don't have to be confronted by random people in public who are telling me you need to be nice to so and so and you need to do

this and you're such a bad guy I can't believe you treated him that way or her that way you just don't have that you move abroad you can reinvent yourself there's nobody coming up to you and being nasty

to you it's just very very infrequent and if you're not a public figure like I am nobody's recognizing you at all and I'm just barely starting to get recognized those interactions have been positive so it's not going to

be like back home where you've got the useful idiots coming out of the woodwork you don't have the reminders of your trauma with the these extreme problems I think they necessitate Extreme Action Extreme self- ownership responsibility and saying

hey if it ain't going to work out for me here maybe it'll work out for me elsewhere and maybe it won't maybe you find out you got to stay back home and sort out your issues but I personally

think it's worth a try I think many of you would also agree that it's worth a try for many people and I commend the guys and gals to give it a try you may figure out it's not for

you and I commend you for trying I have no ill will toward those to give it a shot and find out hey you know what it's nice for vacation it was nice to visit it's not for me I

don't care for the weather whatever it may be taking a chance can be a beautiful thing the number two reason why so many expats deal with estrangement is that we've tried a lot of different things before we moved

halfway around the world we tried to have a discussion we tried to hear them out we tried to let them know our feelings we may have even sought counseling we may have reached out to religious or Community leaders

leaders we've tried everything most people's first thought when they're dealing with toxic family members and a lack of support is not hey you know what I need to move halfway around the world there's often a series of events

that gets them there a lot of people who are narcissist apologists or toxic people apologists will say oh just because Sally wouldn't pass assault you won't talk to her anymore no Sally's probably been really abusive in many different

ways and is incapable of interpersonal change and I think that people don't change my personal experience in life has been the toxic people do not change in many cases they get worse in many cases they actually just learn

how to be more manipulative because they don't see a problem with their behavior it's ego syntonic they think it's a problem with everybody else they think it's everybody else around them that has an issue and that if everybody

else would change everything would be fine they don't have the ability to look in the mirror and say hey I'm mistreating people I'm the one that is the root of this issue I'm the one who is disrespectful inconsiderate

I'm manipulative I'm a liar that kind of thing that's just not the case with these toxic people a sense of desperation can evolve where as they burn more and more bridges and Destroy more and more relationships they become

more and more desperate to control the people they have left the people who are willing to overlook their issues and you may be in that position right you may have a family member who's burned a lot of their

Bridges and you're their last Bridge left and they are really trying to sink their claws into you and so you realize I can't move across town they're going to be showing up at my house they're going to be

calling the police on me to do a welfare check when there's nothing going wrong with me they're going to be inventing excuses they might be calling up my job or showing up at my job trying to get me

fired there's no telling what a toxic person will do you may come to the conclusion hey if I'm halfway around the world they don't know where I am they don't have a passport they may not be physically well

enough to fly Halfway Around the World they may not have the health to get on an international flight and so I'm free they can kick and scream as much as they want but as long as I've got the

resources to pay my bills in perpetuity this is the end it's so freeing when you're dealing with a toxic family member they start to realize the lift involved for me to get over there is immense I can't do

it and there's no real way for me to threaten them to come back they don't know who to call to harass you they don't know what city you're in if they know what city you're in well if you're

in a city of 10 15 million people a lot of these people I found will get bored and move on to another Target because the effort involved to Target you to go after you is far more than what

they're willing to do compared to just trying to go hunting in their local community so that's in point number two talking about extraordinary circumstances as to why a person would leave their home country why so many expats deal

with Arrangement moving on to point number three point number three I've learned that many of us don't feel like we're leaving much behind back home and that can take many different forms I think the top one is relationships

I've learned lately that for many of us if we're willing to move halfway around the world then we probably don't have a ton of strong connections back home for me personally I've spent at least a dozen Christmases by

myself when I'm sitting there on Christmas alone I don't have this strong sense of oh man this is so amazing I've got to stick around for another one of these what I'm thinking is how can I plan for

Christmas elsewhere how can I plan for the holidays elsewhere because I feel much more included in other countries other cities that I've been to other situations entirely I don't feel like oh I'm going to be missing out on

this amazing time with loved wins and we're going to have such a nice meal together we'll exchange stories of and we'll exchange stories of yester year there is none of that so this idea that oh you're going to

miss out not applicable in my situation I imagine the same is true for many of you you really have to consider what kind of circumstances would encourage a person to move halfway around the world I found in many

cases they're not positive there are some people that they have a perfectly good relationship with their family back home and for whatever reason you know they've decided hey I've got a better life over there but I think for

most of us it's a combination of reasons it's not just Financial it's not just familial it's not just the weather it's usually several different reasons in tandem that cause us to want to move and we don't really feel

like we're giving up much and return I certainly don't feel that way aside from career growth which is important to be fair and earning potential I don't really feel like I'm giving much up in the relationships Department do

I have some good friends back home absolutely I'm not going to knock those relationships but it's important to consider where those friends are at right they're in their own careers they have their own significant others some of them

have children they've got their own lives and it's not realistic for me to stick around and say hey you're going to fulfill my needs in a way that distracts them from fulfilling their own needs right I mean if

somebody's at work am I going to call them and disrupt them while they're at work hey I'm bored I have the day off you want to hang out no that's not really fair to have that expectation and so

I feel like the ideal scenario for me is to trade the whole picture of what I've got back home for the whole picture of what I have here are there some trade-offs absolutely there is no perfect place in

the world there is no ideal You're simply saying I prefer this set of circumstances to the set circumstances back home and each person has different circumstances right some people that have a fantastic career back home and a loving

family and a nice place to live they're not in the same position as somebody like myself that has an okay career no home and no family so the tradeoffs for these two different sets of circumstances and everything in

between are totally different I've heard this said before if you have a great life back home you're probably not thinking about becoming an expat if you do you feel comfortable with your job you live in a nice neighborhood

you are surrounded by people you care about you have a sense of community you belong to different Social Clubs the thought of coming over here probably hasn't crossed your mind on the other hand if you're bored you're lonely

you're watching Youtube in your small apartment you're trying to distract yourself from the stress of the workday you know that your situation is unlikely to change anytime soon then yeah you'll probably start to watch xat YouTubers you'll probably

start to watch people living in other countries you'll probably start to realize hey there's something interesting over there I want to check out see it for myself and then take the steps to at least do a discovery trip

and that's why I always recommend do a discovery trip don't necessarily commit to live in this place or that place go check it out when you get your yearly vacation take a couple weeks off work and go down

to South America or come over here to Southeast Asia see what it's about for yourself and think about it not just I'm here in vacation mode but what is it like to live here versus what is it like

to live back home Point number four for those of us who are seeking social connections we're often seeking what we don't have back home if you're somebody who has been a bachelor for a long time like myself and

like I'm sure many of you then you're seeking a relationship in my opinion it probably shouldn't be your only reason for moving abroad but you feel like hey it's a chance to reinvent myself it's a chance to change

my story write a new narrative to maybe to have more purchasing power maybe you're going to upgrade your apartment maybe you're going to live in a walkable neighborhood as opposed to a suburban area where you've got to own

and maintain a car that can be a money pit for many of us Americans you can prioritize relationships we back home you're prioritizing work and career You' got to make that money to stay on top of your bills

maybe you moved to a place that's more economical and now all of a sudden hey I'm not just chasing my bills down 24/7 now I can actually live a decent Lifestyle on a modest budget and now the bulk

of my time could be invested in relationships I've heard that from some Americans back home where they're talking about how I didn't have a social life until I retired because I was just busy trying to work I don't

really have the time to invest in relationships like I do as a retired person and I think you could take that to the next level by moving to a more economical country or city I had plenty of friends

back home that would probably have deeper connections socially if they weren't trying to grind it out and get ahead in their job their job simply takes a lot of precedent over other areas of their life and they may

feel a bit imbalanced where for example as salespeople were often socializing non-stop at work so even the very extroverted salesperson may not want to do a whole lot of socializing after work they go abroad and now all this

social energy that was directed at trying to get the deal close is now directed at meeting a significant other is directed at making new friendships trying out new hobbies exploring their new city and doing all these other activities

that we just simply don't have time for back home I didn't fully understand this until I came to the Philippines and I talked to guys who back in their home country they had a dynamic career they were a

manager they were a leader and their job took the majority of their time it dictated where they lived dictated what time they woke up what time they got to bed where they were how they were spending their weekends

in some cases right if you've got a be somewhere for a work trip that's going to determine your location and so and so they and so they get into this position where they're living abroad and now they have

all of this control over their time and I didn't like and like I said I didn't really appreciate this until I came to the Philippines and started talking to guys who said what a relief like if I was

back home I'd be having to work a part-time job minimum just to make sure my bills are paid and at that part-time job may have a bad day at work that puts me in a funky mood and that

bleeds into the next day and now man I really just don't feel like hanging out cuz I'm in a bad mood and I don't want to bring the people around me down where they're over here they don't have

such interactions they can bring a more present more positive version of themselves to their relationships and their relationships are higher quality as a result I've been shocked at how many friends I've made here in the Philippines in just

a few weeks because I'm in a good mood I'm not anxious about this I'm not worried about that I'm not regretting this or that if I get invited out for this or that I'm not having to tell my

friends sorry can't go out got to get up early for work no if my friend wants to meet for coffee at 9:00 a.m. well back home at 9:00 a.m. I've got to work whereas if I'm over here sure

I'll meet you I'll get down there and we'll have a nice cup of coffee we'll have a chat maybe we'll make some content and so for some of us we have just such a much more fulfilling and Rich

social life than we could ever have back home the stress for my job or life back home has definitely impacted some of my relationships in a negative way I'm stressed out about work I snap at a friend and

now of a sudden there's some distance between us and then maybe that distance grows and gets worse and now before I know it 6 months has passed and I haven't talked to somebody who before that incident I may

have been talking to them on a weekly basis and that's not quite estrangement that's drifting apart but I feel like drifting apart doesn't happen as much here subconsciously it seems to be more of a conscious Choice over here

where we have so many relationships that we don't feel like ah man I better hold on to that one cuz who knows where I'm going to make another friend right who knows when I'm going to have the opportunity

to socialize again like that back home I feel like when it comes to estrangement I've often tried everything else with that person I've tried setting bound boundaries I've tried giving them some space I've tried explaining my feelings and

only as a last resort am I willing to give those relationships up whereas here it's like H I've got enough friends that it doesn't work out with that person then somebody else will gladly have coffee with me or

hang out and so yeah I think it's just I think when you're abroad you can develop better quality relationships and a higher quantity of relationships such that factors like estrangement or drifting apart don't seem to be quite so

pain ful in the same way they don't seem to involve quite such a strong sense of loss that they do back home the fifth and final reason why strangman is so common in the xack community is that we

can't rely on Family Support back home and so we end up coming over here because the economics allow for us to survive without putting up with those toxic relationships I know quite a few people back home who they

have to maintain these toxic relationships due to financial pressure ah man you know my parent is really really toxic but who's going to watch my dog when I got to go away on a work trip and sending him

to Doggy Daycare might cost 100 or 200 plus per week let me know down in the comments if you've had to put your dog in Doggy Daycare and what it cost you in your location another example you may

be living with a family member maybe you fell on hard times and this family member is toxic and you can't afford to move out on your own you're stuck there having to put up with their behavior and being

at their WI wh where they may randomly decide I changed my mind I'm going to throw you out this has happened to me and so you're really walking on eggshells because you don't like them but you're not in

a position to just up and leave that's not an issue over here if you have a living situation that ain't working out now let me add a caveat assuming you haven't purchased a property assuming this isn't tied in

with your significant other then you could just up and leave you know what don't like it I'll negotiate with the landlord to find an arrangement but I'm just going to moved to this other City because my rent is

$400 a month as opposed to $2,000 a month it's just not the same level of seriousness to give that up and it's all and there's also in many of these countries not the same level of housing shortage so

you're not going to also spend a lot of time trying to find a new place in the same way you might back in your home country especially if you got to be in proximity to work I mean it's

one thing to find something on the outskirts of town in the middle of nowhere it's another thing to be within commuting distance one of the benefits of being back home is presumably economic that you can stick together you

can go in together on different purchases maybe the family can share a lawnmower a vehicle if you can't rely on your family if you can't trust your family then you're not getting these economic benefits of sticking together you're

essentially a lone wolf you're on your own and so to offset that you move to a more economical country now all of a sudden you don't have to put up with that toxic Behavior you're not looking at a

massive tradeoff of do I live in my car or with my horrible relative that treats me badly you're thinking do I want to live in this city or do I want to live in that City I can afford

to live in both really doesn't make a difference since I'm not tied to a location for a job I think that's a beautiful thing unlike in the developing World Western economies are designed for multiple people in a household

earning a professional income they're not even designed anymore to have two parents supporting a family I talk about this a lot if you meet me in person you'll probably hear me mention it if we talk long enough but

a long time ago in the west you had one person typically the man able to support a family of four then it moved to more like you had two parents having to work to support a family of four

now you've got two people working and unable to afford to have children so the economies are set up for you to have to have a partner but then not have a family and so the economies over here are

not like that people here are typically less materially wealthy than they are back home but in turn they have family closeness that is frankly uncommon back home is it all sunshine and rainbows Paradise no that's not the point

of this video the question that I do have to ask is if you're not getting the benefits of family support back home would it make better sense for you to do a discovery trip and check out a different

country where you feel more autonomy you feel like you're able to be more independent at a more modest amount of money than you would back home home where you've got to work you've got to put up with people

you don't like and you're just stuck in that struggle and prices aren't going to come down let's just be honest here the Western democracies in our lifetimes is very unlikely that rental prices are going to come down it's

very unlikely that food prices are going to come down very unlikely that the prices of personal Transportation Vehicles also public transportation are going to come down that's part of the reason I'm making this video is that if you're

dealing with Arrangement you don't have the familial support you see your self struggling in economies that are designed for people with family support or at least the support of a significant other then it may make sense for you

to go abroad so I hope these five reasons have been helpful for you this video I've talked about why I think there are so many expats that struggle with estrangement why people who are dealing with estrangement May benefit

from living abroad it's not a guarantee but I think these topics are worth discussing let me know what you think down in the comments are you dealing with estrangement maybe you have a friend who's moved abroad who who

dealing with Arrangement give us a thumbs up if you found this content to be helpful and if you want to see more content like this please subscribe to the channel down below and we'll see you next time